For two years I have been dreaming about India.
We say dreams are good and a man should reach for his dreams, I wonder if dreams are not just a confusing mess and an elaborate trick, the worst and most convincing pull out of the present moment.
I dreamed of India and now I just want to go home.
I will give space to these feelings. I will sit with these feelings. If I run from myself now I may never know myself again, I may certainly die. Why am I panicked? Why is fear my mistress? Always I am running from myself and I feel I am a hopeless failure.
Sure I could leave these thoughts and wait for the joy again, but this is me now. I feel that I am lost and will never be found. I feel that I am the worst type of person, a complete fake, reckless, turbulent emotions...
Sometimes I just want to die. But I know that life is eternal and I will go nowhere and forever I will carry me with me, forever and everywhere I will have to be myself and I hate my own company, oh so where shall I go in eternity to escape my own torture, self inflicted?
Why must I be me?
Broken. Already I am dead, the shell is cracking, either I will emerge or I will stay within, scared, hopeless, completely hallow, shallow, ruined.
Or I will emerge. I must remember the other side, I must give credence to that which I don't know I don't, that which is a surprise and may spring from the work done now.
If I leave now I may never forgive myself.
I know this feeling. I quit Pop Warner football after the first day of practice when I was 9 years old. Then, 20, I realized I wanted to play football and should have played in High School. So now it is here again, that first day of practice and if I stay I will get to play, and if I leave I may do a million things in my life but I will never have gone to practice that next day.
And it was just because the helmet was too small and the coaches yelled. What will I do this time?
Stay and play or run and hide from myself again?
You think certainly I will not quit. But I do not know. I am a quitter sometimes, and have quit many times in my life...I can quit again, I can...