Sunday, November 22, 2009


I am in India.

For two years I have been dreaming about India.

We say dreams are good and a man should reach for his dreams, I wonder if dreams are not just a confusing mess and an elaborate trick, the worst and most convincing pull out of the present moment.

I dreamed of India and now I just want to go home.

I will give space to these feelings. I will sit with these feelings. If I run from myself now I may never know myself again, I may certainly die. Why am I panicked? Why is fear my mistress? Always I am running from myself and I feel I am a hopeless failure.

Sure I could leave these thoughts and wait for the joy again, but this is me now. I feel that I am lost and will never be found. I feel that I am the worst type of person, a complete fake, reckless, turbulent emotions...

Sometimes I just want to die. But I know that life is eternal and I will go nowhere and forever I will carry me with me, forever and everywhere I will have to be myself and I hate my own company, oh so where shall I go in eternity to escape my own torture, self inflicted?

Why must I be me?

Broken. Already I am dead, the shell is cracking, either I will emerge or I will stay within, scared, hopeless, completely hallow, shallow, ruined.

Or I will emerge. I must remember the other side, I must give credence to that which I don't know I don't, that which is a surprise and may spring from the work done now.

If I leave now I may never forgive myself.

I know this feeling. I quit Pop Warner football after the first day of practice when I was 9 years old. Then, 20, I realized I wanted to play football and should have played in High School. So now it is here again, that first day of practice and if I stay I will get to play, and if I leave I may do a million things in my life but I will never have gone to practice that next day.

And it was just because the helmet was too small and the coaches yelled. What will I do this time?

Stay and play or run and hide from myself again?

You think certainly I will not quit. But I do not know. I am a quitter sometimes, and have quit many times in my life...I can quit again, I can...


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  2. the suspense is unbearable because i care so deeply about your outcome.. i am confident in the blossoming.. worst case scenario you're just a moth, but even that is an evolution ;)

  3. I know the feeling all too well, Eric. I've had a habit of running away... Stay with it and explore the feeling. I think dreams can lead us astray but they can also teach us the truth. They are always trying to teach us something, our emotions are always trying to tell us something. Best of luck, man, I have faith in you.

  4. I can relate to you on many levels. Lets skype/ichat.


  5. Eric,

    These words are so honest and heart felt. You are good my man. By simply facing reality in the present, and not contorting it, you're miles ahead of most of us. In the words of Yogananda, "Truth is exact correspondence with reality" - so perhaps this journey, and the fact that it has you face to face with yourself, will allow you to defeat any of your long lasting uncertainties (football, etc.) Break free of your "monkey mind" and let go of your anxieties - evolve. It's so much easier said than done, but take solace in the fact that you're on a journey, and all you need is to touch/inspire one person and it will all be worth it. And on second thought, you've already inspired me, seriously though, so just keep on keeping on!

    Love, Mase

    ps - I'm gonna set up a skype account at home to chat with you.