Sunday, December 6, 2009


This is evolution. This is love. Divine Love expanding. No lust. No need. No greed. This is love.

But is this revolution?

Political revolution?
Economic revolution?

Is this a revolution of religion?

Are we revolutionaries? We are evolutionaries, expanding, allowing, growing, glowing in the Light.

I think we are beyond revolution, literally shaking the foundation, we stand on the shoulders of political revolutions, we now experience revolution of religion but it is better termed revelation.

We are revlationaries, but are we revolutionaries?

I think not. This will not be a revolution (I once thought it was), now I see we are beyond revolution, we bring the Light.

No ideologies, no dichotomies, no arms, no battles, no wars, no Che, no Mandela, no King, but, oh yes, the Thing that burned in their hearts is now made manifest, the Light.

We will do all things and all things will be changed but our struggle is not for a new politcal system, a new market, or a new religion. This is the Coming of The Religion, the Light is here. It came with me, and with you, and is now being made manifest.

This is a revolution, but we are a revelation, and this is hands free, expansion is our weapon and the assurance of victory predestined, eternal.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

A New Vision of the Hope that I Confess

I wanted to tell the truth and let it all out. I will have to. I will have to leave it on the table and see what I am made of, I will have to look at least in the harder places, I will have to fulfill my promise. What are my designations, to where am I headed? I can tell you a wonderful story I feel in my heart and a new vision for love on this planet. I may tell you the story if I can let myself go, I will let go by putting this down for posterity. I will say that too and be upfront about prophecy and I will remember this morning reading Paul, prophecy without love is nothing. So, prophecy but what of love and this is my question. I love when I feel hate because though I am low and stuck in the flesh I see the light in my head, the hope of my life rests on the light because I can see it and feel it, I study it and reckon the transmutation of my flesh. I feel pain but always no matter what the feeling I see the light in my head, to be honest I see Light in my head. There can be no battle, no slip, or fall because I see and feel always the swelling, shining Light in my head.

Austin, God Is inside me. I know. But your words check something in me, just like the day in Frisco on the Bart to the departure airport saturday. Integrate also that God is Outside of you.
David, when we connect at the heart we are sustainable. I am helping you build the land in the light.
Sophia, stop thinking. Only style tip is dress by your heart and that will take you to GQ.
Lyndsay, I am in India. Love.
James&Stacey, bless.
Mason, concentrate in the center of your head, the Pineal gland.
M&P. Love for everything, I have been blessed since I was born.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


I am in India.

For two years I have been dreaming about India.

We say dreams are good and a man should reach for his dreams, I wonder if dreams are not just a confusing mess and an elaborate trick, the worst and most convincing pull out of the present moment.

I dreamed of India and now I just want to go home.

I will give space to these feelings. I will sit with these feelings. If I run from myself now I may never know myself again, I may certainly die. Why am I panicked? Why is fear my mistress? Always I am running from myself and I feel I am a hopeless failure.

Sure I could leave these thoughts and wait for the joy again, but this is me now. I feel that I am lost and will never be found. I feel that I am the worst type of person, a complete fake, reckless, turbulent emotions...

Sometimes I just want to die. But I know that life is eternal and I will go nowhere and forever I will carry me with me, forever and everywhere I will have to be myself and I hate my own company, oh so where shall I go in eternity to escape my own torture, self inflicted?

Why must I be me?

Broken. Already I am dead, the shell is cracking, either I will emerge or I will stay within, scared, hopeless, completely hallow, shallow, ruined.

Or I will emerge. I must remember the other side, I must give credence to that which I don't know I don't, that which is a surprise and may spring from the work done now.

If I leave now I may never forgive myself.

I know this feeling. I quit Pop Warner football after the first day of practice when I was 9 years old. Then, 20, I realized I wanted to play football and should have played in High School. So now it is here again, that first day of practice and if I stay I will get to play, and if I leave I may do a million things in my life but I will never have gone to practice that next day.

And it was just because the helmet was too small and the coaches yelled. What will I do this time?

Stay and play or run and hide from myself again?

You think certainly I will not quit. But I do not know. I am a quitter sometimes, and have quit many times in my life...I can quit again, I can...

Monday, November 2, 2009

"I am going to Save the World"

also the new, and this is that. a statement. oh the final word that I am seeking. may I end up happy and peaceful and free.

did I realize my freedom first? how could I know? where was I to land? burned so high and long last night that I have nothing now to give, beautiful Sunday morning, good times Frisco and a whole cat bag of stories to tell already, here for 24 hours now.


I always end up in some backward town with a handkerchief around my neck.

Last night, a near full moon powering the whole fiasco and a whole lot of get up and go. Matt, Sophia, David, Jonathan, Kavan, Sarah, Rabbit, Heather, Celest, Claire, Mike, Rachel, John, Keith, Aman, Tobias, Kailey, Manu, so many great people all day long, a whole long list of them stretching all the way back to Todd, the first, sitting next to him on the train, sitting down in Portland, he departing at Salem, and then Rae the last completing our circuit last night sitting on the couch and in a circle with David and Kavan and Sophia and Rae, and her and I open and free to a massive connecting energy. Can I describe how? Or even what? She giggled, I kept falling backward into clear, objective, incredibly free ranges and perspectives of dynamic personality manifestation. I can't write now, just trying to move through the broken, move into the completed word.

Todd and the train and never married, Christian, praying but not attending service and feeling like maybe he should and his mom telling him he should. Celest, comic book artist, book tour starting in New Orleans. telling me to be a nurse, free, spiritual work, two or three days a week even. Celest, a scrapping by artist, self-published and rolling out of town to promote and hope on her sabbatical work and market and produce, publish, eight hours a day or more for four months. Claire, Kavan's auntie, Indian travelled, awakened woman, a wild conversation, unifying, drawing conclusions, looking out across my life, receiving advice and hopeful joy at the opportunity before all, just thanks and really feeling and loving that my life is now and I am becoming what I must become and love and need to become.

Now this morning I understand better my Love and why and what I feel when I direct my heart at beauty and really dig the subtle presence of deep love and the expression in form as beauty like Art and a Flower and Nature and She. always I wonder She, and love She, and see in me and in my life a magnificent romance lived out part in fantasy yes but a faithful rendering of desire in life. the love story is I and beauty, and beauty expressed as woman, and she, or girl even I prefer.

girls and boys just getting along great in the universe.

now experiencing subtle, no demand, no movement, love, just sitting in deep meditation and holding hands sometimes but we even did it across the room, Rae was sitting up straight against the couch and I was sitting at the far end of the other couch and could feel a chilling warmth when I reached my hand up and opened up to connecting to her crown. incredible space, the woman said it, Kathy, the mother of the night and my mother now because she got me a great blanket and procured orange juice that I had said I wanted but did not want to take the last bit so did not take and she insisted saying "with all the energy you have expended by holding this space for so long this evening, you should drink it for rejuvenation." but I did not drink it.

I am a space man, I walk alone.

Rae, beautiful sunshine. We spoke three words until the end of the night but spoke a thousand words in silence. Her giggle was the proof of everything. We know the world in our chests and can see, the walls fall and we see around corners. I heard her laugh this morning still beautiful all knowing Buddha laugh because Life is Beautiful Miracle and you feel it and know before and beyond mind, a simple subtle all-prevading all-knowing presence.

Hold the light in your head and be wise, centered in your samadhi. The first rule of White Magic:

1. the Solar Angel collects himself, scatters not his force, but in meditation deep, communicates with his reflection.

collect yourself, center your samadhi, ground the heart in the head and hold the light in the wisdom of the crown and know what your power is for and the use of it, skillful, perfect, clever,

controlled by the focused attention of the soul in contemplation, acting through

the head centre, focused in the region of the third eye and swept into right and

specific activity by an act of the will.

First Will. The will is the engine of manifestation powered by the heart. The will is simply ascertained when you allow yourself to do what you know you have to do, what you think you should do, your destiny, self-chosen, but critical. When you do what you must you do the Will and you fulfill your heart. The love in the heart powers will, and between these two feels like Great Hope. Will is the faith and power to believe in the best and to live the best out and to be the great you, you know you must be.

Second Imagination. the image is held in the mind. The will is aimed at the image held in the mind via the freedom and creative ability of the imagination. channeled by the buddhi, the intellect. the imagination provides the canvas, it is the actualization of the love in the heart in form, in the world, providing for and enhancing communication between human beings, tending unto the light, holding to the coming of peace, understanding, and conscious communal growth.

Grounding. I taught, and knew better myself, the importance of grounding. hook into the earth through your omega chakra and then go up. to go up you have to go down. root and then shoot the shoot up to Gods in the ethers. see? Grounding will allow us greater, more rapid ascension with less mutational symptoms and a clean line, which is all already done but also is to be done and thus fun to think and jot these notes of how we can do, and really change, and really save this world.

Decension. Now grounded the Universe will flow into you, through you, in you, clearing you, peaceful circulation, creating a space and defining, teasing upward even the ascension. open up to the crown. listen by the crown and allow Truth to descend, illumination, drawing the light and teasing, empowering, tugging the Kundalini upward.

Ascension. the raising of the Kundalini through the psychic centers, the unfolding total Wisdom via initiation and activation of inward and upward wise knowings, not supposings, but experiential, energetic, change and the opening of the heart and the clearing of the obstacles on the path.

a man can know nothing until the Kundalini is eating from the cap. the soma flows over, wisdom, illumination, Light pouring out of your crown, this is samadhi and the perfect unity of Love and Power and Wisdom. until then a man is susceptible to Karma and the energetic web of the material, the pull and push on his psychic centers and the drawing away of his mind. grounded in his samadhi the yogi rests in wisdom and power.

Now I sit and see the world i build in the Light. I go now to build a new earth in the light. I am. I am and We am. I is We and Am is "I AM WHO I AM." The final resting presence of the Universe. Everything is about me and I am seeing clearly the work to be done and the means to achieve the goals therein. Now an initiated man. Claire told me, and described perfect the female and the initiation of the man into the sacred female. No longer a brute man, now consciously aware of the curriculum, the teacher, the goal. Initated into the Wisdom of the Thing To Be Known, occult, illuminati, the power that powers the Universe and plays now into the evolution of man on earth, going into the Light, hooking into the crystalline structures, downloading the light body, creating an expansive heart center, yes, holding the earth in our hearts.

Everything is known now. Everything is knowable now. Everything must be known now BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!


I spent my words last night and have nothing but a calm, post-coital clarity. Massive currents of Light and Love were flowing through my body. I remember telling that great curly head girl, Reily, yes that is her name looking now in my notebook where she signed and left for my use her email account, about eating fat and oil to rebuild my nervous system. Feeling last night, dizzy hung over from energy in my body from Light coursing though my nerves. A trillion synapses firing, expanding, opening up to more and more light. knowing the need for the upgrade ten months back or whenever that was, feeling the rebuilding of the myocylin sheaths. enabling my nervous system to download and hold more light and conduct greater degrees of Light in Power and Love.

Then I would fall back and the rush of light that brought me there, static almost, like pushing and trying to draw the light down, but then falling behind the trying and that is when she giggled, when I felt more free and more expansive and beyond thought. I recall once clearly expanding into a room of white light.

Why is the light streaming in front of a dark background? Even when it is bright there is a substrate, negative space...I put both hands on her one hand and let go of all effort and trying and then knowing power and wisdom and samadhi, calm and centered in the realization, she saw and understood and loved everything. We were in the light, sharing secrets, giggling even about the power of the energy and the insight of the vision and the glowing, spreading, expanding Light.

I want to work, I don't want to go to bed, I don't want to work, I want to put down words and dig this blue sky city, quiet now the morning after Halloween. what to say though and where are we going? Do you know? Do I know? Do we need to know? I can put down lines...

I want to write about Rae but I see now that connection unspeakable. Maybe if I write enough I will be Walt Whitman. I am Walt Whitman, I am the becoming of the artist in full. Delusions of grandeur? I am a victim of my own expansion and this weed does pump me high and leave me out to dry no worries now it is calm Sunday morning and there is nothing to do or worry about or even write about but what a beautiful city to wake on and what beautiful people last night. Expansive. Now I center and bring everything back to me, to One Point and to the calm knowing, wisdom of the crown powered by love of the heart.

I am free. This is my life. Now sitting Saturday morning typing this note and I have nothing to do but type this note and rest and pray and rejuvenate today.

Kavan went directly to sleep. I now sitting, blanket over my shoulders. Mint tea. Rosary, notebook, pad of paper, pen, solopipe, Love. What does it sound like to tell the story of your unique heart? The story sounds like a wild tale but rings true and resonates, it is sincerity, integrity and heart. No notebook notes to help guide me. Scribbling notes on a legal pad trying to get my story straight. I told it last night a thousand times to a hundred faces and every time each listened, attentive I hold the ear of the people and deliver the truth in pill form consumable by the consumption of my personality. Jonathan is doing the same. Deliver the message via the consumption of personality, cult of personality, somehow though always moving past the personality. How to not get stuck nor stick others on the personality, but have them (everyone) move to the Truth that expression states.

I am the things I believe because the things I believe determine my actions and my actions are the consequence and reward of my life.

its about freedom

creating your own world

a king has to have his own castle

his own queen

his own prince, and princess

and he must be

in communication with other kings,

with other gods.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


she said i was mature and spoke to her on the bench mature, heart warming. Real expansive love. today we realized we love each other and that our love is confidence, i tried to explain but couldnt. what is confidence in love and knowing? she is love. i am love. we are love together and separate. all is love and synergy is hearts in harmony in time, in life, being lived. today i did remember that i am alive and that this world is a beauty and a beautiful sign of our divinity. i see her now good and whole and my sister and my lover also. i told her, "now we have romance possible. one day coming we may not have romance, but we will raise each other and raise our children. but the romance makes it so fun." and warm, i am alive and shine a light and she is so beautiful to me in that light, like the light of my soul shining bright, shining out my future, even right, and me, and her, standing at a crossroads. playing a somewhat game all along (i love the game, it is like a poem and a riddle) but now, waking this morning and we have real love and a real life and she said, "you helped raise me."

wow! what a beautiful line in this riddle.

i am a beautiful line in the poem of my life and i am the writer of the poem and the reader and the seeker of its meaning and what else includes the life of a poem, i am the ultimate and absolute enjoyer of all things. i give up the movie of my life in my head and i live now the movie in my life and breath sincerity of expansive communication.

we started on a short rock wall, sitting, talking, sixteen. we talked and everyone was at the party around us. now twentysix and my birthday and my departure sitting on the bench in the midst of the party sincerely and honestly growing leaps and bounds in our relationship and our understanding of soul. i am hopeful of love and i have seen love and i feel love and i bet on love now in my life, forever. i go to build a new earth in the light.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

forevermore pilgrims of time and space.

thinking today about the trees and how they change colors and how the evergreens are ever green and the others fall to a multitude of shades and tones. the bright glowing red ones are my favorite. thinking about time cycling in and out, out and in, revolving and living this life spinning about the central sun. that simple movement is time, the time of the clock on your wall, the time of your aging baby face and the death face of your old. how simple the constant passage of time. well, the leaves change and the seasons rotate and our bodies age, but what is time in eternity and where are we? for sure it is a great mystery to us now. forevermore pilgrims of time and space.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

caroline energy

how come? when i remembered and before even i knew i had to tell it somehow. thinking at first for the end product, naturally drawn to books etc. so, ok i could write a book, but now seeing how it is done. the center point, i found the center from which all creation arises and thus the fountain of everlasting and illumined art. i see all things in the light in the mind. hold the light in the mind, chela, for this is the seat of the soul.

hold the light in the head.


i will have to be the center of my story, forgive me. the universe revolves about me and i am the center of all things. all things seen and thought come by me and through me and in all ways are being experienced. who experiences? this is the question. not, am i experiencing? this is certain, but who is I?

i will have to tell my story out and leave all things on the table, a symbol of hope in this age and a true and faithful coming into being of what is now to arrive on the earth for the delivereance of the tribes. the salvation of the people of the earth. it is coming. what can i say to paint this song? i cannot but i shall spill my guts out and tell you what it is like, what it is really like every step along the way. i will put it down, arduous i will make my life cinema.

string the pictures out, each moment for the people out front living, raw, hungry for the world, hungry for God, seeking strong the forward brazen path which only just now is coming down. my ego is jumping out of my chest, boastful, proud, but it is my spirit too that sings out and even my ego is somehow a voice now for my spirit. ego is present but singing out praises to the Father, to Creation itself, singing out in harmony and making, creating, painting reality as I experience it and leaving it.

yes, this is creating art.

this is clearing the throat and seeking I and finding the two are one, the voice and the source, and so Life and the senses speak for God and God is Spirit and speaks through spirit, always and forever the source and the reflection sing praise to God and the Son of God is never lost.

now is the philosophy, this is the freedom of revelation, maya is not illusion, maya is, but the yogi knows that maya testifies to God and therefore knows his Self. we paint, we create, and render the world and extend love by creating as God creates and thus testify the Father and live His Will.

we do what He made us to do and that is our freedom.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

the sweet of life

well this will be a short story of love and i will have to tell it twice. the first and the second. well once for all time but the second time is a play, a drama, an acting of it out on the stage of life. experience life in motion, actually do it and see what your life is about. striking the heart of the matter of life. a night living the fast of life and letting it out. letting it go with the heathens. pray for the heathens in their midst. i dont know why but i ran from the church into the city to see the heathens and be one. letting loose and playing. play in the field. my father says stay in the field and play your game. i added the second half but i DO say live your life out and know what it is you need now at this eternal nexus. what do you need to know your life better? what do you need to do to be in the heart of all things? are these simple questions? well we will see.

and he said again his story about the night. and the half moon. the men and women squirrely on a half moon friday night and they were like lust and love and drugs. yes they were. night is the wicked reflection moonlight lusting in the dark for hope. for adventure. you lust for love. you lust for comic book hero status, you lust to be a movie star of your life. do you star role in the picture of your life? i want to know. o' reflection of me tell me what you need? just live your life out how you must live it in full to know who you are. that is all.

am i Hamlet?

where is Hamlet and where am i? if we are one then i say i will stay in the opera of my life. i say i will glow so bright. and tyler katsos said to me "you are the portrait of the artist as a young man." and later he said something about Joyce that i don't quite remember but when he said it i thought i might be Joyce too. earlier in the door, in the day, i thought clearly that i might be Kerouac, Jacky Kerouacy, but then thought, and later repeated to Whitney, that it was too soon. she agreed like that must be absolutely correct. i dont really feel like Joyce anyhow (i feel like Ti-jean) but that is because Ginsberg gave me the mantle of the American poet and prophecy over the ocean one night on psliocybin trudging through the surf, cold, wet, on fire listening to the land and the sea speak of pollution and freedom and power and the reality of time on earth and the fall of man (well the fall of man's artiface), man trudging through the surf trying so hard with soul screaming out, the entire of humanity i am saying but i was there alone in the surf laughing at the great cosmic joke of eternity and literally heard for certain also because i recorded the morning after and said then that i heard the voice of Ginsberg out over the ocean and he was laughing, just howling, and the buildings of man's artifice stood with lights and the sea stretched out for eternity and the one Eternity and the other Man and the futility of fighting or even thinking it possible to "not love God," for God is love and he created you in love for freedom and there is no religion and no church but there is something!!

feel it in your life, no? and then i thought and rethought that moment and a whole series of wild moments stretching back and out to the future, back to my past and some trail i saw in memory of where i had been and what i had come for. or what i had come to feel in my life. which i have to feel. i took that memory and felt it again when i was in the bay area and felt the call out across the ocean but now the call of the land and that was east and the train back and forth across the land twice at lest now and three times up and down the coast. a series of wild eye opening moments in my life opened me up to something behind something we see and know and feel and assume. the something behind the something calls to you in subtle patterns. clear and distinct but demanding humility and a certain willingness to look and what must be looked at, for love, and hope, and the demands of your soul. i carried every memory with me across the land and was me but me growing each time i found myself in a new city, freedom always rising, the clear and final sense that what i wanted was achievable and so i started feeling responsible. your life is your life. live it out. i saw visions of God, had visions of glitz and the cool put on fresh for the whole world and for the peace that passeth understanding.


i said this was a short love story and here it is now good. i saw the entire world, my experience of everything, as energy in flux. but dig man that i can see everything in rainbow energy. i see no colors really. i cant see auras but i can feel them and when i listen i can sense the matrix of energy about me. it is made. so i felt love in my heart and couldnt put words to it. i feel love right now and thought this story could dig it out. what about names and dates and places? where are the characters in my story? record the movie of your miraculous life in some form for posterity and for the expansion of your entire experience. my life in consciousness...

she was energy exactly and wonderfully complimentary. female energy and magic energy and power of beauty on earth energy and i could dig her polar opposite. and really dig it because i was grounded in my energy and the tension and static and rising vibration was healing and made me feel whole. i even have twangs of guilt thinking i can take too much energy. but i dont know if i am taking it so much, i think synergy. the universe is a differential and all things big and small have energy potential and gradients and so the energy flows from one place to another and the synergy of the movement equalizes and unifies and neutralizes but intensifies exponentially the pairing.

there is a closed rose and that same energy is full in her fragance. the rose smells like beauty which is incredible because i can feel beauty behind every sign and symbol. i can feel beauty before the rose and before her. and then the rose appears and she appears and beauty takes form. the form of beauty arises so grand in my life that i feel with certainty and joy the towering immensity of existence and what this all really means. which is nothing. but remember the void, and buddha said form is emptiness, emptiness is form. so the one the other and so on.

beauty arises in my life and i shout with joy! because what a thing to behold beauty and who am i to be graced with beauty in form? and to see it and to know it and really dig what it says, what she attests to, and the fragrance of the rose, really points all the way to God. that old loaded word now but He Whom About Naught May Be Said is maybe better.

the simple beauty lying before me is That and expresses divinity subtly but surely. i may spend my life describing this beauty in form to create and to make love. infinite beauty changing form, mutable, in flux, even consciousness itself, but always expressing beauty, and truth and goodness. but right now i dig beauty because it smells and feels so good. because it is there and vibrant and hoping on life and hoping on hope alone really. just simple life, now cooling fall and the first of the snow now far off but the slide is the slide and always lands four days before christmas, the final longest coldest day and then the climb back. but now sliding into winter. how great it is! how great it is to feel life in my blood and life on the horizon and beauty in form next to me that assures me i am alive and that life sings.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Lights on this...

What a fascinating dream last night. I will try to jot it quick. My parents were arguing across the house. My sister and I were there, in the middle somewhere, a living room but it was partially exterior. The argument started out small but soon they were really mad and almost yelling. I yelled at both of them and told them to come into the room, they complied immediately, I started talking to them about what they were doing and what was happening and trying to make the deep point but eventually just said "if I was brave enough" and I thought that mean praying together but I left and they stayed there and I went to get John Mark. I found him, he was tired, trying to help everyone who needed his help. He was talking to a couple of girls and they were asking him to help their friend. I had seen the friend sitting in an SUV outside the house, she looked sad and alone but okay. He said he would help and went out to help and opened the driver's side door, the girl was sitting in the passenger's seat, she was buckled. John Mark opened the door and asked her to come out, he unbuckled her seatbelt. She was crying, I assumed it was about suicide. John Mark came with me and my parents and sister were still there. He spoke. I had my hand on his back, we prayed in a circle. When John Mark and I came back, before he spoke and we prayed together, my dad handed me his phone and said "its her" or something like that. I looked at the caller ID and it was a description of where my parents had met the girl, literally, a street name and description. I asked her if I could call her back when we were done. I did. We met somewhere. Now it is slipping. I knew and assumed a lot when we met. She was beautiful and dark blonde. Beautiful eyes. We walked to her apartment through an amazingly intricate back alley stairway path and a series of small apartments, like modern Hobbit holes. As we were walking she said something about dating and I said "we already are dating." I was walking behind her, I knew I was being forward but I was thinking well this is destiny and so it is all unfolding now. We got to her apartment and we were sitting on the couch. I kissed her. I kissed her again and really started kissing her. She was resistant because she didn't want to go too fast. I told her we wouldn't, that I just wanted to kiss her. Then there is a break and I was in the sand with a couple guys trying to show them the Urantia book and they wouldn't look at it or think about it or even consider it. I punched one in the face three or four times after they tore my book up. The drama of this situation carried back to the neighborhood, village, where all this was taking place. Somehow I got caught up with a young pretty girl brunette girl. She was young and dumb in the way that I didn't have to do anything to win her over. She immediately was cool with being with me and we went away to a bedroom, her bedroom maybe, and laid on the bed and started kissing and she said "you can put it in" and I said "I don't want to" and she looked confused but okay with that. Then she disappeared and I found her in a secret spot behind a trap door in the dresser. She was hiding there. I was trying to get her to come out until we heard the other girls coming and then I hid in the dresser and she said "no you have to come back here" so I squeezed behind the trap door and tried to be quiet. The girls started looking for us and talking about where we could be. They found us and lifted the entire dresser, vanity, closet so we were just sitting on the ground. One girl was sweeping. I said "you guys are like a gang," 'cause they were all standing over us and we were caught red handed. My girl, the blond, said "well I knew Eric wouldn't be in my life for too long" but we walked out together arm in arm and she was happy and I was happy. Then we were laying on the couch and I was noticing how beautiful her eyes were, her eyelids when she blinked slowly, and the way her makeup was applied. The she said "I wouldn't hurt you. I wouldn't do that to you. You." And she looked at me deeply and the emphasis each time was on "you." I understood but thought clearly to myself, yes but I am...and the old images of roaming the world in search of flooded back in...

Monday, September 28, 2009

City Lights

Standing on the hill looking out over the city lights stretching to the east and to the west and the south. No, I was sitting and I was drinking a beer and people were coming and going before me, opening and closing the sliding glass door and there was some commotion about getting the amplifiers plugged into a different socket so the band could play without blowing the breaker. I was sitting and the city lights stretched out below me down the hill out across a thousand intersecting biways and hiways and dark spots where there were no lights and so many millions of people doing their thing on a wild Saturday night. Some sleeping, some going to bed early with thoughts of Saturday night possibilities forgone, some revving up to a let-go and blow give-it-all-out Saturday night to blow the steam off the work week and settle into the monotony just around the corner. But nobody thinks of Monday morning on Saturday night, no, they reserve that worry for Sunday. Saturday night is free and the heathens roam the night, straight, upright people who just gotta get it all out once or twice a week or they might blow their top on Wednesday at three in the afternoon. I was sitting, drinking a beer, watching family and family friends I don't know run about and dance and retrieve drinks from the bar downstairs. I was somewhere in between the wild Saturday night and the early quit, the Saturday night resignation hopeful for a calm and whole Sunday sliding easy into the week. I was just sitting, looking out across the city with downtown in the distance and the black space of the river breaking east and west. Looking out across eternity and the castles of man's building and thinking about a girl and what she might be doing on a cooling Saturday night sliding now slowly into Fall. I imagined her smile and knew I could feel her out there somewhere. Out over the hills, in the suburbs to the west? Or was she already downtown laughing and enjoying the lights and flash and open possibility of the night? I knew I wasn't with her, no, I was just sitting drinking my beer and thinking but the stretching expanse of the city before me, endless sprawling out into the dark where I couldn't see the lights anymore, indicated her simple individual existence. A million people below me, mad, unique, interesting characters, all blended into one, a general statement of life now in this modern way, but her, she stood as a beacon of light, alone, indicating some great energy and the rising vibration of possibility and excitement and beauty.

Saturday, September 26, 2009


I will have to save this as something i will never find. can i just type these words for a quick on? put them down when the energy rolls. dont be foiled by the simple trap plan of the world first presented to you. everyone looks at that breaking age in life, 16 or 19 or 22, they break away from what they know (hopefully for soul's growth reasons) but so easily slip into a reflection of the same tho with starry atributes. i have seen those lights, that simple glow out over hollywood the surging call of Babylon and all that infrastructure running that droning vibration intto the empty desert at its borders and beyond. that never slow vibration of the big city that just keeps churning. the sun rises every morning and we get in our cars and drive to work. the realest God filling work in the world is the home. the family, at the married paired, is the foundation of his kingdom on Earth. i see now a new version of my same old dream, always growing, always going along, divided and synthesizing, the epic endless outpouring. by my deeds i attest the extension of His Being, love. love in Action is the age. are we the children of the Age of God coming? yes we are. we are the very start of a new outpouring. maybe not the start for sure, I can feel the ancestry and the passing forth of He, but now we roll into anew. i know the new because I was, am being, transformed absolutely from the inside out. I love rolling on the keyboard. trying to get it down. what? the final life and the coming into being of great. yes the great that is to come. that is here.

I attest to experience and the coming into evermore light. illumination. from God within outward, literally becoming as Light, extending Love through the Universe. the trinity is finally One. i am thankful to be God, by His Creation, and not to be my crazy self. God created me. Now i render service to God through service in the kingdom by the extension of love. yes. i do nothing but I AM He. You see I am He and then i can just be with God. He loves creation and now I am creating these words for God. I just roll on the writer and try to slip a tongue. i try to slip the roll see the beat turned up and now it is a flow but there isnt much there. and i DO want to tell you secrets. and I do want to confuse you with the spirit forevermore. I will see you now as Spirit and I as Spirit and we All as flowing spirit. thank you that these words (which are what?) can be struck and put down with such ease. will ever I ever have the discipline to Write in time to the rhythm of the story as it fows out from my heart, and to really get it down so it is genuine?

i will have to say that this is the last note.
this is the end of the road of words leading unto nothing.
i rolled that hill and saw beyond the veil, man i really dug the future.
what do you say? i say i saw the future bright twice now in each moment.
spaces, people run from work and
drive to duldrooms in the city.
latch key kids lost on some city bus trying to get somewhere, home.
better, than, the Jeffersons.
beyond Our means we live out of control, just to show that we might be making it.
since, that is yes, yes it is.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


I magnetize the world out and in with my Heart.
I am in the Heart beat and center of all things.
I see the world surrounding me, I create from the center outward.
I create from outward back to the center.
I create in the flow with love and thus create as God creates and the whole world loves my creation.
The whole world is in constant supreme devotion to God and His ever expanding creation.
The universe expands because YOU create.
Fill the void in tapestry of Light and Love, create, radiate from the Heart outward, inward, and magnetize the whole world.
Be the center in the center of all things.
Be the periphery at the edge of creation expanding the horizon, creating with Love.
Your heart is a magnet.
Radiate Love, draw Love back.
This is law, practice, devotion, hope, and supreme example of OUR creative potential.
Be God in the Heart center, expand your creation in Love, by Love, for Devotion.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Again, so Soon...

Thoughts on life stretching out before me. What to do in a world of possibility and the whole world stretching out before me like a simple path? With each breath I step and make the path as I know it, need it, desire it to be. With each step I take a breath and hope the step is the best I can take. There arises in a man a sense of duty, not to do what must be done, but to do what is possible, to do the absolute best. I see now, 25 and looking out on my life, that what is possible is truly unbelievable and when you bring the two together it is clear that what MUST be done is what is unbelievable...and then there is that weight that weighs the shoulders down a bit when I realize that what I am going to do is IMPOSSIBLE. And then the weight is lifted when I remember that nothing is impossible with God and Christ and Love on earth.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I Could Be Your Boy

but then what would we find?

I see the whole world revolve around me,
I am the center of my story,
who else does the sun make its orbit about,
the whole world revolves about
And I realize, where am I?
I can't find myself anymore, I am lost
in the Sun, I am lost in the dark street,
but I have never been there.
Fear is a darkness you have never seen,
but you shriek in fear, or
slink out the back door of your life.
Where are you? I am in the back
of the club, always,
always I could be your boy.
And you could be my girl and thats
secret Flow.
Thats just a spark, what I know
is a Consuming Fire.
Oh yes.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


I sit on the brink of life happening, where life imagining and life in action cross at a still moment, the inward breath. No more sitting but standing now and cheering and writing the top of the morning off the top of my head and rejoicing for the sun and clouds did rise, and the moon always follows. The inward breath is the potential outward, or is this out of touch? Be in the moment is the decree, the call, the technique! Be in the moment and grace...

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Sitting Now...

Looking out across my Life.
Waking this morning wondering about the value of mistake.
Thankful for free will.
Thankful that the Universe is a classroom and I am to Learn.
A deep breath, arms in the air, stretching out the tension, leaving it behind.
Wondering now at the shiftyness of Life and how it is always around the next corner, and its shadow plays hide and go seek.
God doesn't play hide and go seek, but Life does.
Try to grab onto your Life and it is always somewhere else.
Let go of your Life and find God, the solid rock behind, beneath, this experience. 
Waking this morning with nothing but a pile of anxiety and a little hope on the world and on good expectation.
Hoping now on Nothing, Knowing now on Everything...waiting, patiently for the FIRE.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Maha Chohan.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


Listen, so we are the Age to Come and we are the Power that already is...

Why do we procrastinate?
What are we waiting for, youth of now?

A moment, a time, a breath, before the storm. A time of preparation, seeing now the old falling away and feeling with growing certainty the change that is to come. We are exuberant are we not? But we don't know which way to turn, which way to go, just yet...soon we will...soon we will execute and all will unfold as it could, and should, and must.

So what will your role be oh soldier of fortune, oh princess of the becoming? 

Friday, August 7, 2009

Oh So You Think Life Is...?

I am fiery youth alive with passion. I am passion. I am life. Do you see the power of my passion when it is a simple but infinite Love for living? Simple life passes by so frequent, so continuous, and now I know just how great it is, just how miraculous, and I know why I have come. To live! Oh ye elders now perishing let not the candle flame of passion be extinguished from your heart. You are alive! Take and remember this cry, this call from your youth, those you birthed, but now we have cut the cord and taken on a new life, a new age, a new dispensation of love and experience. This is Our World now and you are invited to remain, stay awhile, we thank you for this world and for our births but We are the power elite now, we are what is to come, we beg of you to stay, but we burden you with a remembrance of the passion of your youth and a simple cry, You Are Alive!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Celebrate This Now

Beauty is Mine to Behold, Ours to Behold if we desire to behold together. I will seek the face of beauty, the blossoming of virtue. I will seek the quiet still that tells of such a thrill that Life is simple but miraculous as such. I will seek people in their element, in the midst of their lives, holding forth for what they desire and what they believe in. I will teach all people that there is nothing to "believe in" but there is Truth to know and accept. I will accept the Truth and wholeness of my Life as I live it out, as I run it out, as I scream and jump for joy at the coming morning and the glow of the stars at night. I will Live my Life before I regret wasting it away. I will waste nothing in God's Kingdom but will praise and accept and give thanks for all things. I give thanks for the opportunity to speak, and seek, and write, and meet all these grand wonderful people. Be yourself and live it out right in front and to me you are the greatest and blessed most of all because you are just in your life and your life burns bright and sure in you.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A Path Is A Way Worn By Passing-Thru

Well the road ahead does split a bit and I see myself walking down either path.

How do I choose when I can see the road ahead, on both paths I can see myself walking?

I walk slowly down the path, on either side, the two converge, they diverge also, at points here and there they even cross and run away from each other.

I walk down the path, it is my life to walk this path and to make choices at the forks and three-way splits and round-abouts in the path, to follow my heart in the midst of confusion and deceit.

The sun rises over all paths and God walks beside me along every path.

Life is beautiful when I see that it is magnificent possibility and free will and the coming into being of the One and greatest Divine Plan.

See the paths of life,

how they split and grow,

and carry away to the horizon?

Monday, August 3, 2009

Set Lights Above Me

Today I die for Truth and Christ and the Father of Lights.
Today is the day and finally I have come.
How does a man seek and then find at the end of his seeking that he has been a fool, a wise fool laying out wise conceits like traps along the way?
You see I need not strike off into adventure and wonder, everything I am seeking is right here and I may praise the Lord cleaning bathrooms or as president, neither matter to the Lord, only that His Creation praises and glorifies Its Maker.
It is all beautiful reciprocal Love and I am a lowly man going down to the bottom of humility but my flesh screams as it dies and is angry, frustrated, and nearly without hope. 
I have come this far and do not turn around. I have come this far and will die for Christ if only I am sure that my death is not a fool's death, or a martyr-fool who seeks his death and chastisement from the world! Nay! I am the one who dies quiet and hopes on faith that his death is for Christ and not for the Master of Disguises. The antiChrist disguised as Christ coming as a sheep but is a wolf set to devour.
I have come this far and lay myself up.
Oh God what else can I do but die for you, My Maker?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Bless the Morning

Now the morning whence I admit my becoming. Now the mourning of the lost night, the night lost inevitably to the rising son. Alas the day star shall arise in your heart, just open up to the possibility of greatness in your life, nay, may your experience be miraculous and each breath an assertion of the infallible and hope-filled. Light streaks down your path before you chela, step ahead each one step at a time but move on, progress and surely your day will come and your Son will rise. This is surely true and faith-filled. 

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Well now WE sing

Well now we sing and our trial is done and our reward is soon. Wait, just one breath, and I do believe that our reward is already here and always it has been us. 

Now we rejoice and though all still looks the same, all feels much different. Everything is made whole and what was old is passed on and made one together again, solid as a rock. What is new is free and the weight of the old is gone and that freedom is a shining exuberance, a loud but gentle song, a song of worship, a time of rejoicing, a grabbing onto that which is real, and substantial, and a letting go of that which is tired, and wearing us down. We let go of habits, and addicts we once were, we let go of petty frustrations, we let go, and let go, and let go...

When we let go, we find we don't fall too far at all before some Greatness catches us. Oh! the freedom of truly and honestly letting go, the freedom of the short fall but the greatest freedom of the catch, the final assurance that everything is right there,  as it always was but better because instead of clutching on and trying to keep it right, and straight, it shines by your side and you can just fall and giggle and really, really, know that you don't have to hold anything together, that togetherness, wholeness, is the way it is ALL made.

Thank God.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Yes, It is Sure

well if it all ended I sure would be glad and grateful that it all happened. 

but right now, in the midst of the happening, I just can't seem to figure out what its all about.

what is this business of life? how can I possibly be successful if I don't even know how to aim, nay, if I don't even know what to aim at?

oh, to be lost is a blessing, and to be found, I guess I just want to be found and secure for once and for all. 

I desire not to be bound by sin. But also I do not desire the gilded cage of feigned saintliness. oh no!

but it is nice to know that if it all ended I sure would be grateful and glad that it ever happened!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself

I am fundamental. I am One. I am the destiny of the Universe. The hope of Creation rests in Me. And you. But Brother and Sister I can only speak of my experience. I must KNOW that All the Light in the Universe culminates in My experience, in this eternal moment. Where else is All but In me and I in it. I accept One.

All is One. 
There is no seperation.
How in One can perfect Love and Totality be external? 
My Life is that Perfection, is the seed and end of the Glorious Creation.
I accept Unity.
I accept my Atonement.
At One Ment,
for I am and I am there and all rests in the eternal present and perfect unity with Creation and God, the creator of the Totality.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Waking this morning,

and dreaming last night. There are so many wonderful pleasures in this world. Mad, ecstatic, bright people are a great joy for me. I find though that I have trouble finding the real hipFolk, the bright, bright, burning ones that never slow down or say a commonplace thing. Just now feeling a bit guilty for getting slightly angry at a new friend of mine who, after drinking all night, started trying to meet (or pick fights with) everyone in downtown Portland. Now looking back at this, I see that it is wonderful! Do your thing Brohim! I was only trying to hold back for some reason. Lets continue to live right on the edge. I am down to see the world in its entirety and speak to all the hipFolk, to really see what is going on in the world. Television, news, popular culture provide one view of the goings-on of this mad world. But, I know how I feel about things and I know there is a whole young world out there with new eyes and new hearts who see a better, crazier, limitless world. I want to see this world closeup with my own eyes. Good music, good parties, good people who never quit, who just burn at both ends even when they are doomed because a force compels them on to see the world, no youth, to BE THE WORLD.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

So today...

the thought, there is no thought, it rises but passes and that is all there is...the soundless ripple of a thought arising and slipping away. 

My life is a mosaic. 
My being is transparent, I can see all things from where I stand and all things pass through me.
My mission is crystallizing.
My intent is focused.
My heart is hopeful.

Today a day like many days. Today truly I see that all days are this day and (as it goes) this day is all days. There have been no days before this and this day shall remain forever. What is it that changes? Where am I in relation to this constant flux? Is there change, or is there unity and sameness? I cannot tell where I am at times. Time is dissolving, even space is dissolving. I feel I am in all places and in no places. I feel I am moving through time and I feel that time does not exist. 

My life is a mosaic. A Picasso. A symphony. Everything is blending together. I am losing my foundation: time, space, and personality. I am building a new foundation: eternity and spirit and complete transparency to all energy, to all time, and to all space.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Simply So, Simply So

This is a simple story of a boy who stared growing up thinking growing up was one thing and then realized that it is something else...

What is it to be made whole as a human being? What do we seek and strive for? What is it that lingers in the back of our mind, in the heart of our being, constantly begging to be seen, to be heard, to be let OUT!?

I desire to be whole. 

I desire to know and contain and experience all things. Life is you know this? When do you feel that life is precious? Is it attached to passing events or does it arise within, a simple, honest, burning conviction that whatever this life may be it must be precious. The external circumstances teach us that life is fun, rude, exciting, sorrowful, titillating, nerve racking, finger busting, beautiful, overwhelming...but only the simple and quiet heart teaches us that LIFE IS PRECIOUS.

It is so wonderfully confusing and challenging to be a human being, we are constantly pulled and pushed and just when we get our footing again we are washed away into the tide of experience. Oh joyous human experience that tugs at my heart and excites my intellect, that stirs passion in my soul for God, and passion in my flesh for Sin.

Oh God whatever it is, it is a grand experience to be HUMAN.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Call of the Highest Self

What is that force, that contradiction? Why do I feel split on simple decisions, like I don't know which voice is My Teacher? I know His Voice and heed His call but there is a contradiction, another voice that beckons toward distraction. If I am to cross the dark night, the sea of samsara, then I must heed the voice of My Teacher who calls from beyond. This is the only way. This is the miracle of the Guru, the dispeller of darkness, the Light with a human face that calls and says "come." Ceaselessly the voice calls me, "come," and though I am steadfast I do waver and slip into confusion. I choose confusion (see?) because the voice never stops calling, "come," but oh Master! on the way out I just like to stall a little, lollygag a little, smell the roses...but yes Lord I must come and though the acceleration frightens me I must put these childish games away and pursue your Truth and Righteousness alone. 

forever blessed mahaguru.

Monday, July 13, 2009

All Completeness Within

All is made complete and whole within. This is the work, the growth, of one who knows that within is without, and without, within. This is the work of the perfecting of the rule of reflection. All that I experience in the world (the phenomenal experience of the senses) is a reflection of my within. This is the necessity of purification. As I purify within I purify the world. The world is a reflection of Spirit and Spirit is within.

As I grow I recognize a process: the Unification  of All Duality. This is best exemplified by the sin of lust. Male and Female are representative of the Dual Nature, the active and the passive principles. Lust is a sin because it pulls outward, a powerful grasping energy that searches outside for completion that can only be found within. When I seek satisfaction in the external I edify the erroneous notion that I am not complete and must therefore seek my completion from external sources. All is within. I engage wisdom and faith and steadfastness in finding my completion within. I desire to be made fully male and fully female, to completely unify duality within. This is complete integration of the shadow and complete integration of all duality, properly justified in the Unification of All.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

seven twelve nine

Today is transformation. 
Today is the end of the beginning
and the beginning of the end.
Today is reckless
and grace filled
and wild
and loving
and joyous.
Today is like the day it all started.
Today is staring back, staring forward.
Today is simply focusing on today,
and working
all the way,
back to the end, to the beginning, to