Sunday, October 25, 2009


she said i was mature and spoke to her on the bench mature, heart warming. Real expansive love. today we realized we love each other and that our love is confidence, i tried to explain but couldnt. what is confidence in love and knowing? she is love. i am love. we are love together and separate. all is love and synergy is hearts in harmony in time, in life, being lived. today i did remember that i am alive and that this world is a beauty and a beautiful sign of our divinity. i see her now good and whole and my sister and my lover also. i told her, "now we have romance possible. one day coming we may not have romance, but we will raise each other and raise our children. but the romance makes it so fun." and warm, i am alive and shine a light and she is so beautiful to me in that light, like the light of my soul shining bright, shining out my future, even right, and me, and her, standing at a crossroads. playing a somewhat game all along (i love the game, it is like a poem and a riddle) but now, waking this morning and we have real love and a real life and she said, "you helped raise me."

wow! what a beautiful line in this riddle.

i am a beautiful line in the poem of my life and i am the writer of the poem and the reader and the seeker of its meaning and what else includes the life of a poem, i am the ultimate and absolute enjoyer of all things. i give up the movie of my life in my head and i live now the movie in my life and breath sincerity of expansive communication.

we started on a short rock wall, sitting, talking, sixteen. we talked and everyone was at the party around us. now twentysix and my birthday and my departure sitting on the bench in the midst of the party sincerely and honestly growing leaps and bounds in our relationship and our understanding of soul. i am hopeful of love and i have seen love and i feel love and i bet on love now in my life, forever. i go to build a new earth in the light.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

forevermore pilgrims of time and space.

thinking today about the trees and how they change colors and how the evergreens are ever green and the others fall to a multitude of shades and tones. the bright glowing red ones are my favorite. thinking about time cycling in and out, out and in, revolving and living this life spinning about the central sun. that simple movement is time, the time of the clock on your wall, the time of your aging baby face and the death face of your old. how simple the constant passage of time. well, the leaves change and the seasons rotate and our bodies age, but what is time in eternity and where are we? for sure it is a great mystery to us now. forevermore pilgrims of time and space.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

caroline energy

how come? when i remembered and before even i knew i had to tell it somehow. thinking at first for the end product, naturally drawn to books etc. so, ok i could write a book, but now seeing how it is done. the center point, i found the center from which all creation arises and thus the fountain of everlasting and illumined art. i see all things in the light in the mind. hold the light in the mind, chela, for this is the seat of the soul.

hold the light in the head.


i will have to be the center of my story, forgive me. the universe revolves about me and i am the center of all things. all things seen and thought come by me and through me and in all ways are being experienced. who experiences? this is the question. not, am i experiencing? this is certain, but who is I?

i will have to tell my story out and leave all things on the table, a symbol of hope in this age and a true and faithful coming into being of what is now to arrive on the earth for the delivereance of the tribes. the salvation of the people of the earth. it is coming. what can i say to paint this song? i cannot but i shall spill my guts out and tell you what it is like, what it is really like every step along the way. i will put it down, arduous i will make my life cinema.

string the pictures out, each moment for the people out front living, raw, hungry for the world, hungry for God, seeking strong the forward brazen path which only just now is coming down. my ego is jumping out of my chest, boastful, proud, but it is my spirit too that sings out and even my ego is somehow a voice now for my spirit. ego is present but singing out praises to the Father, to Creation itself, singing out in harmony and making, creating, painting reality as I experience it and leaving it.

yes, this is creating art.

this is clearing the throat and seeking I and finding the two are one, the voice and the source, and so Life and the senses speak for God and God is Spirit and speaks through spirit, always and forever the source and the reflection sing praise to God and the Son of God is never lost.

now is the philosophy, this is the freedom of revelation, maya is not illusion, maya is, but the yogi knows that maya testifies to God and therefore knows his Self. we paint, we create, and render the world and extend love by creating as God creates and thus testify the Father and live His Will.

we do what He made us to do and that is our freedom.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

the sweet of life

well this will be a short story of love and i will have to tell it twice. the first and the second. well once for all time but the second time is a play, a drama, an acting of it out on the stage of life. experience life in motion, actually do it and see what your life is about. striking the heart of the matter of life. a night living the fast of life and letting it out. letting it go with the heathens. pray for the heathens in their midst. i dont know why but i ran from the church into the city to see the heathens and be one. letting loose and playing. play in the field. my father says stay in the field and play your game. i added the second half but i DO say live your life out and know what it is you need now at this eternal nexus. what do you need to know your life better? what do you need to do to be in the heart of all things? are these simple questions? well we will see.

and he said again his story about the night. and the half moon. the men and women squirrely on a half moon friday night and they were like lust and love and drugs. yes they were. night is the wicked reflection moonlight lusting in the dark for hope. for adventure. you lust for love. you lust for comic book hero status, you lust to be a movie star of your life. do you star role in the picture of your life? i want to know. o' reflection of me tell me what you need? just live your life out how you must live it in full to know who you are. that is all.

am i Hamlet?

where is Hamlet and where am i? if we are one then i say i will stay in the opera of my life. i say i will glow so bright. and tyler katsos said to me "you are the portrait of the artist as a young man." and later he said something about Joyce that i don't quite remember but when he said it i thought i might be Joyce too. earlier in the door, in the day, i thought clearly that i might be Kerouac, Jacky Kerouacy, but then thought, and later repeated to Whitney, that it was too soon. she agreed like that must be absolutely correct. i dont really feel like Joyce anyhow (i feel like Ti-jean) but that is because Ginsberg gave me the mantle of the American poet and prophecy over the ocean one night on psliocybin trudging through the surf, cold, wet, on fire listening to the land and the sea speak of pollution and freedom and power and the reality of time on earth and the fall of man (well the fall of man's artiface), man trudging through the surf trying so hard with soul screaming out, the entire of humanity i am saying but i was there alone in the surf laughing at the great cosmic joke of eternity and literally heard for certain also because i recorded the morning after and said then that i heard the voice of Ginsberg out over the ocean and he was laughing, just howling, and the buildings of man's artifice stood with lights and the sea stretched out for eternity and the one Eternity and the other Man and the futility of fighting or even thinking it possible to "not love God," for God is love and he created you in love for freedom and there is no religion and no church but there is something!!

feel it in your life, no? and then i thought and rethought that moment and a whole series of wild moments stretching back and out to the future, back to my past and some trail i saw in memory of where i had been and what i had come for. or what i had come to feel in my life. which i have to feel. i took that memory and felt it again when i was in the bay area and felt the call out across the ocean but now the call of the land and that was east and the train back and forth across the land twice at lest now and three times up and down the coast. a series of wild eye opening moments in my life opened me up to something behind something we see and know and feel and assume. the something behind the something calls to you in subtle patterns. clear and distinct but demanding humility and a certain willingness to look and what must be looked at, for love, and hope, and the demands of your soul. i carried every memory with me across the land and was me but me growing each time i found myself in a new city, freedom always rising, the clear and final sense that what i wanted was achievable and so i started feeling responsible. your life is your life. live it out. i saw visions of God, had visions of glitz and the cool put on fresh for the whole world and for the peace that passeth understanding.


i said this was a short love story and here it is now good. i saw the entire world, my experience of everything, as energy in flux. but dig man that i can see everything in rainbow energy. i see no colors really. i cant see auras but i can feel them and when i listen i can sense the matrix of energy about me. it is made. so i felt love in my heart and couldnt put words to it. i feel love right now and thought this story could dig it out. what about names and dates and places? where are the characters in my story? record the movie of your miraculous life in some form for posterity and for the expansion of your entire experience. my life in consciousness...

she was energy exactly and wonderfully complimentary. female energy and magic energy and power of beauty on earth energy and i could dig her polar opposite. and really dig it because i was grounded in my energy and the tension and static and rising vibration was healing and made me feel whole. i even have twangs of guilt thinking i can take too much energy. but i dont know if i am taking it so much, i think synergy. the universe is a differential and all things big and small have energy potential and gradients and so the energy flows from one place to another and the synergy of the movement equalizes and unifies and neutralizes but intensifies exponentially the pairing.

there is a closed rose and that same energy is full in her fragance. the rose smells like beauty which is incredible because i can feel beauty behind every sign and symbol. i can feel beauty before the rose and before her. and then the rose appears and she appears and beauty takes form. the form of beauty arises so grand in my life that i feel with certainty and joy the towering immensity of existence and what this all really means. which is nothing. but remember the void, and buddha said form is emptiness, emptiness is form. so the one the other and so on.

beauty arises in my life and i shout with joy! because what a thing to behold beauty and who am i to be graced with beauty in form? and to see it and to know it and really dig what it says, what she attests to, and the fragrance of the rose, really points all the way to God. that old loaded word now but He Whom About Naught May Be Said is maybe better.

the simple beauty lying before me is That and expresses divinity subtly but surely. i may spend my life describing this beauty in form to create and to make love. infinite beauty changing form, mutable, in flux, even consciousness itself, but always expressing beauty, and truth and goodness. but right now i dig beauty because it smells and feels so good. because it is there and vibrant and hoping on life and hoping on hope alone really. just simple life, now cooling fall and the first of the snow now far off but the slide is the slide and always lands four days before christmas, the final longest coldest day and then the climb back. but now sliding into winter. how great it is! how great it is to feel life in my blood and life on the horizon and beauty in form next to me that assures me i am alive and that life sings.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Lights on this...

What a fascinating dream last night. I will try to jot it quick. My parents were arguing across the house. My sister and I were there, in the middle somewhere, a living room but it was partially exterior. The argument started out small but soon they were really mad and almost yelling. I yelled at both of them and told them to come into the room, they complied immediately, I started talking to them about what they were doing and what was happening and trying to make the deep point but eventually just said "if I was brave enough" and I thought that mean praying together but I left and they stayed there and I went to get John Mark. I found him, he was tired, trying to help everyone who needed his help. He was talking to a couple of girls and they were asking him to help their friend. I had seen the friend sitting in an SUV outside the house, she looked sad and alone but okay. He said he would help and went out to help and opened the driver's side door, the girl was sitting in the passenger's seat, she was buckled. John Mark opened the door and asked her to come out, he unbuckled her seatbelt. She was crying, I assumed it was about suicide. John Mark came with me and my parents and sister were still there. He spoke. I had my hand on his back, we prayed in a circle. When John Mark and I came back, before he spoke and we prayed together, my dad handed me his phone and said "its her" or something like that. I looked at the caller ID and it was a description of where my parents had met the girl, literally, a street name and description. I asked her if I could call her back when we were done. I did. We met somewhere. Now it is slipping. I knew and assumed a lot when we met. She was beautiful and dark blonde. Beautiful eyes. We walked to her apartment through an amazingly intricate back alley stairway path and a series of small apartments, like modern Hobbit holes. As we were walking she said something about dating and I said "we already are dating." I was walking behind her, I knew I was being forward but I was thinking well this is destiny and so it is all unfolding now. We got to her apartment and we were sitting on the couch. I kissed her. I kissed her again and really started kissing her. She was resistant because she didn't want to go too fast. I told her we wouldn't, that I just wanted to kiss her. Then there is a break and I was in the sand with a couple guys trying to show them the Urantia book and they wouldn't look at it or think about it or even consider it. I punched one in the face three or four times after they tore my book up. The drama of this situation carried back to the neighborhood, village, where all this was taking place. Somehow I got caught up with a young pretty girl brunette girl. She was young and dumb in the way that I didn't have to do anything to win her over. She immediately was cool with being with me and we went away to a bedroom, her bedroom maybe, and laid on the bed and started kissing and she said "you can put it in" and I said "I don't want to" and she looked confused but okay with that. Then she disappeared and I found her in a secret spot behind a trap door in the dresser. She was hiding there. I was trying to get her to come out until we heard the other girls coming and then I hid in the dresser and she said "no you have to come back here" so I squeezed behind the trap door and tried to be quiet. The girls started looking for us and talking about where we could be. They found us and lifted the entire dresser, vanity, closet so we were just sitting on the ground. One girl was sweeping. I said "you guys are like a gang," 'cause they were all standing over us and we were caught red handed. My girl, the blond, said "well I knew Eric wouldn't be in my life for too long" but we walked out together arm in arm and she was happy and I was happy. Then we were laying on the couch and I was noticing how beautiful her eyes were, her eyelids when she blinked slowly, and the way her makeup was applied. The she said "I wouldn't hurt you. I wouldn't do that to you. You." And she looked at me deeply and the emphasis each time was on "you." I understood but thought clearly to myself, yes but I am...and the old images of roaming the world in search of flooded back in...