well this will be a short story of love and i will have to tell it twice. the first and the second. well once for all time but the second time is a play, a drama, an acting of it out on the stage of life. experience life in motion, actually do it and see what your life is about. striking the heart of the matter of life. a night living the fast of life and letting it out. letting it go with the heathens. pray for the heathens in their midst. i dont know why but i ran from the church into the city to see the heathens and be one. letting loose and playing. play in the field. my father says stay in the field and play your game. i added the second half but i DO say live your life out and know what it is you need now at this eternal nexus. what do you need to know your life better? what do you need to do to be in the heart of all things? are these simple questions? well we will see.
and he said again his story about the night. and the half moon. the men and women squirrely on a half moon friday night and they were like lust and love and drugs. yes they were. night is the wicked reflection moonlight lusting in the dark for hope. for adventure. you lust for love. you lust for comic book hero status, you lust to be a movie star of your life. do you star role in the picture of your life? i want to know. o' reflection of me tell me what you need? just live your life out how you must live it in full to know who you are. that is all.
am i Hamlet?
where is Hamlet and where am i? if we are one then i say i will stay in the opera of my life. i say i will glow so bright. and tyler katsos said to me "you are the portrait of the artist as a young man." and later he said something about Joyce that i don't quite remember but when he said it i thought i might be Joyce too. earlier in the door, in the day, i thought clearly that i might be Kerouac, Jacky Kerouacy, but then thought, and later repeated to Whitney, that it was too soon. she agreed like that must be absolutely correct. i dont really feel like Joyce anyhow (i feel like Ti-jean) but that is because Ginsberg gave me the mantle of the American poet and prophecy over the ocean one night on psliocybin trudging through the surf, cold, wet, on fire listening to the land and the sea speak of pollution and freedom and power and the reality of time on earth and the fall of man (well the fall of man's artiface), man trudging through the surf trying so hard with soul screaming out, the entire of humanity i am saying but i was there alone in the surf laughing at the great cosmic joke of eternity and literally heard for certain also because i recorded the morning after and said then that i heard the voice of Ginsberg out over the ocean and he was laughing, just howling, and the buildings of man's artifice stood with lights and the sea stretched out for eternity and the one Eternity and the other Man and the futility of fighting or even thinking it possible to "not love God," for God is love and he created you in love for freedom and there is no religion and no church but there is something!!
feel it in your life, no? and then i thought and rethought that moment and a whole series of wild moments stretching back and out to the future, back to my past and some trail i saw in memory of where i had been and what i had come for. or what i had come to feel in my life. which i have to feel. i took that memory and felt it again when i was in the bay area and felt the call out across the ocean but now the call of the land and that was east and the train back and forth across the land twice at lest now and three times up and down the coast. a series of wild eye opening moments in my life opened me up to something behind something we see and know and feel and assume. the something behind the something calls to you in subtle patterns. clear and distinct but demanding humility and a certain willingness to look and what must be looked at, for love, and hope, and the demands of your soul. i carried every memory with me across the land and was me but me growing each time i found myself in a new city, freedom always rising, the clear and final sense that what i wanted was achievable and so i started feeling responsible. your life is your life. live it out. i saw visions of God, had visions of glitz and the cool put on fresh for the whole world and for the peace that passeth understanding.
I AM STILL HERE DO NOT FORGOT ME.
i said this was a short love story and here it is now good. i saw the entire world, my experience of everything, as energy in flux. but dig man that i can see everything in rainbow energy. i see no colors really. i cant see auras but i can feel them and when i listen i can sense the matrix of energy about me. it is made. so i felt love in my heart and couldnt put words to it. i feel love right now and thought this story could dig it out. what about names and dates and places? where are the characters in my story? record the movie of your miraculous life in some form for posterity and for the expansion of your entire experience. my life in consciousness...
she was energy exactly and wonderfully complimentary. female energy and magic energy and power of beauty on earth energy and i could dig her polar opposite. and really dig it because i was grounded in my energy and the tension and static and rising vibration was healing and made me feel whole. i even have twangs of guilt thinking i can take too much energy. but i dont know if i am taking it so much, i think synergy. the universe is a differential and all things big and small have energy potential and gradients and so the energy flows from one place to another and the synergy of the movement equalizes and unifies and neutralizes but intensifies exponentially the pairing.
there is a closed rose and that same energy is full in her fragance. the rose smells like beauty which is incredible because i can feel beauty behind every sign and symbol. i can feel beauty before the rose and before her. and then the rose appears and she appears and beauty takes form. the form of beauty arises so grand in my life that i feel with certainty and joy the towering immensity of existence and what this all really means. which is nothing. but remember the void, and buddha said form is emptiness, emptiness is form. so the one the other and so on.
beauty arises in my life and i shout with joy! because what a thing to behold beauty and who am i to be graced with beauty in form? and to see it and to know it and really dig what it says, what she attests to, and the fragrance of the rose, really points all the way to God. that old loaded word now but He Whom About Naught May Be Said is maybe better.
the simple beauty lying before me is That and expresses divinity subtly but surely. i may spend my life describing this beauty in form to create and to make love. infinite beauty changing form, mutable, in flux, even consciousness itself, but always expressing beauty, and truth and goodness. but right now i dig beauty because it smells and feels so good. because it is there and vibrant and hoping on life and hoping on hope alone really. just simple life, now cooling fall and the first of the snow now far off but the slide is the slide and always lands four days before christmas, the final longest coldest day and then the climb back. but now sliding into winter. how great it is! how great it is to feel life in my blood and life on the horizon and beauty in form next to me that assures me i am alive and that life sings.